I’ve had a rough week, y’all. Ok, that’s not entirely true. I’ve had a rough summer. But this week in particular I just can’t seem to wrap my brain around anything.
And that’s the epic tale of how we ended up having no blog written at ten in the morning on blog day.
I tried to come up with a funny story I could tell, or a witty way to call myself out on my blogging ineptitude, but frankly I’ve got nothing. Besides about eighty things that I need to get done that I just…haven’t done.
Those of you who know me may be starting to get worried at this point. I assure you, I’m fine. Please don’t call the psych ward. Or my mother.
It’s just that in a bigger-picture sense, the dishes don’t fucking matter. Finding that thing that stinks in my fridge doesn’t fucking matter. Picking tomatoes or finishing any number of started-and-then-ignored projects or taking a shower – they don’t fucking matter. And I’d like to think that that attitude could motivate me to do something that does matter. Could I cure AIDS babies or end world hunger? Probably not. But I could do my part, right?
And then I feel very disconnected from the world. Living out here, there’s no outlet for altruistic action. Besides giving money, which will probably be misused, and which I seem to be chronically lacking anyway, so what’s the point in even thinking about it?
See? This is a vicious cycle. “Nothing matters. So do something that matters. But I can’t do anything that matters. So what’s the point in doing anything at all?” And we’re back to square one. With the extra added bonus of now being forced to think about all the people who have super shitty lives and who I’m not helping with all my I-could-be-doing-something-constructive time. Square one is a monument to defeatism and negativity, I have to say. And it seems to be full of dirty dishes. I hate square one. I want to burn it to the ground.
“Well, buck up, little buddy. Things aren’t that bad.” Fuck you, patronizing voice in my head. I know things aren’t that bad. My life is fantastic. It’s the world inside my skull that’s the problem. (Clearly. I mean, I’m having a hypothetical internal dialogue with myself and typing it out so I can post it on the internet. There is something fundamentally wrong with this situation.)
I’m sorry for being a downer. I don’t mean to bum you guys out. I just wanted to explain myself for not being on top of my game this week. I’m sure I’ll have something fun to talk about next time (Buckaroo Banzai, anyone? Mars Curiosity Rover? The extra-hilarious t-shirt I just got that says “Blogging Nerd: Because I Said So”?). Meanwhile, you should all watch this. It’s my current motivation. Sort of. A little. I’m going to go do the dishes.