So, I’ve been extra crazy busy for the past month, as you’re probably aware. And this is how I arrived at my current state of brain mush, what with the lack of time for books and movies and food and sleep. I decided to steal a fun trick from Chuck Wendig and Jenny Lawson and go through my blog analytics, examining what whacked-out shit gets people from their normal lives to my site. To be fair, both Lawson and Wendig’s lists are way funnier than mine. I think they have weirder fans than I. Which is really saying something. Roughly ninety-eight percent of my search terms were some variation on “where can I get a cardigan like Bernadette from Big Bang Theory?” (the short answer: fucking anywhere, seriously). But some of them were fantastic. And because I love you, I’m going to share some of my favorites. And because I’ve got brain mush and everything has to be super organized or I can’t think straight, I’ve divided them into categories. It’s really better for all of us in the long run if everyone agrees to embrace my OCD. Just cuddle the disorder. Three times. And four on Tuesdays.
Urm. Anyway. Category the first: Weird (read: brilliant!) combinations of things I’d like to see exist in real life. Let’s make these happen, people.
Jad Abumrad Piers Anthony – I see an Incarnations of Immortality Symphony in our future. There’s no possible way that would end badly.
Felicia Day Patrick Rothfuss – She simply must play Auri in the movie version of The Name of the Wind. Yes. Yes yes yes.
Kurt Cobain Ray Bradbury – Seeing as how they’re both dead (sad face), I’m going to be forced to write a short film where some guy wanders through a land of former awesome people and receives their wisdom from the other side. Damn it, one more project idea I just gave away for free.
David Foster Wallace Clive Barker – My vote? A dark and kinky Barker-ized movie version of Infinite Jest.
Star Trek John Cusack – I don’t know who he would play, but I’m sure J.J. Abrams could absolutely find a place in the next movie for a handsomely brooding Starfleet somebody with a great sense of humor and fantastic hair. Because you always need at least one of those on a spaceship, right?
Patton Oswalt Nine Inch Nails – Oswalt is so metal and so witty, I’m confident that if he wanted to make an album the industrial strains and screams of Reznor’s work would be a fitting backdrop.
Category the second: Pure hilarity. These don’t make sense, for the most part, but I love them for one reason or another.
What’s the difference between a scumfuck and a crusty? – To my understanding, scumfucks and crusties are incomparable. Apples and oranges. A scumfuck is someone who maliciously meddles in other people’s lives, or who turn any fears, needs, or shortcomings against others for their own gains. Think people who scam or rob or cheat or climb to great heights on the backs of smaller folk. Contrarily, a crusty is just a street kid, usually of a dirty punkish hitchhiker persuasion. Which is not to say that a crusty can’t be a scumfuck, obviously, but one is behavior and one is more of a fashion and/or lifestyle choice. Now you know.
Ridiculousness cardigan – I’d like to think that this is a superpower cardigan, which I could don and then all my ridiculousness would immediately become un-awkward and charming. One can dream.
Torturing the people that own our asses – For the record, I hope whoever did this search was talking about something other than actual physical harm. Because that search would just be “how to torture,” wouldn’t it? But I also hope that they found a clever and sneaky way to retaliate against whoever owns their asses, like in Office Space. Or Fight Club.
Made up holidays for old people – Because there are so many? And what does “old people” mean in this context? Old in age, like grandparents? Or old in a historical way, like George Washington? Doesn’t matter. All holidays are made up. So I guess that answers that.
Y’all know I was just fu king with y’all – I feel like this one might be an internet thing that I missed. I’ve been away. But it’s still funny that it got someone to my site, typo and all.
What does spawn mean? – Urgh. So, you googled it as a question, and then instead of clicking on anything that had the word “definition” attached to it, you somehow thought it would be more effective to come to my blog where I (completely inappropriately) refer to other people’s children as “spawn.” Let us hope you’re better at context clues and reading comprehension than you are at using search engines, my friend.
Stephen King get to the point – This one’s fair. Mr. King, while verbose, does always get to the point eventually, though. Worth it. Wait it out.
Category the third: a bit sad. These made my tummy hurt a little.
Reply back think about me – Either someone is looking for advice on relationship-related texting (in entirely the wrong place, by the way – but seriously, don’t send that text, dude), or, in what may be the best thing that ever happened on the internet, a robot is trying to figure out how to sound more human. And they turned to my blog. I win everything. The second option makes me feel less sad.
Social anxiety at comic con – I know nothing about this subject. Social anxiety, sure, but not specifically at Comic Con. And anxiety can be crippling on a normal day. I can’t imagine how bad it would be at such a gathering. I hope they found whatever advice they needed to enjoy their Con experience.
Survive broken heart overanalytical – Weirdly, this search took the searcher to my Big Bang Theory post. If your heart is broken, guys, sitcoms are not the answer! I guarantee it.
Category the fourth: The utterly inexplicable. Seriously, what the fuck?
Never poke your cousin if you can’t find your cardigan – I concur wholeheartedly with this statement. I have a lot of cousins. A lot. And one of the few solid pieces of advice I can give in this life is: don’t poke them. Not for any reason. Do not poke the cousin. Consider the possibly stolen cardigan a loss and back away slowly.
Fuck cancer in Chinese – I love that this happened. Because fuck cancer, indeed. My only hopes are that the patient survived, and that the Chinese symbols are not intended for a tattoo. Because tacky. Or retro, I suppose. Which is also tacky.
Explanation cardigans control humans blood money – This is yet another opportunity for me to jump up and down and scream about how punctuation should be allowed in search engines. Because “explanation: cardigans control humans’ blood, money” is completely different from “explanation cardigans, control humans, blood money.” Is the idea to control humans through their blood while wearing a cardigan? Or to use cardigans to control human blood for fun and profit? Or to explain political strife in countries where murder is for hire through tracking the proliferation of delightful wooly sweaters? None of these seem likely, so punctuation would be essential. I rest my case. You hear me talking, Google?
And now that most search engines are making searches anonymous, we won’t get to have fun explorations into the minds of internet users anymore. What a strange moment in time it was, right? Esoteric, true, but a good source of giggles for all of us who were here and paying attention. Like a great bar tucked away in a back alley that suddenly closes and you have that Breakfast Club experience, you know? But without the freeze-frame jumping into the sunset. Because that’s just ridiculous.